There’s nothing to be anxious about

I woke up at four in the morning with a slightly racing heart and I devised a new strategy …

You are all doing this constantly, according to the Internet

I was going to write a charming and quirky think piece about how everyone is jacking off every minute of the day, because we are living during the world’s first masturbation revolution, and during a quarantine no less, but then I realized this graphic tells the whole story which you and me and your friends and your family and your coworkers and your boss and Jeff Bezos already know. Which is the world is going thwackety-thwack-thack to cum the pain away, to paraphrase The Teaches of Peaches. Which. You know. There are worse ways to live your life than focusing on orgasms. Well. Maybe there aren’t any other better ways to live your life.

And thus climaxes this most obvious public service announcement.