I’ve Only Had 3 Bad Dating App Experiences And Here They Are

You probably have worse dating app stories than I do because dating is a great experience for me, but having said that, here are the three meanest things people have said to me on the dating apps.
So far, the meanest thing that someone has done in the last six weeks, since I have been single on all the dating apps, is:
I get this voicemail that lasted 60 seconds and I listened to the first eight seconds only, and it goes like this:
“People like you who put that you’re ‘playful’ on your profile, it makes you look like you’re not a serious person!”
What a scumbag.
And she’s not the only one …
I’m bald, and I’ve got pictures of me on the dating apps where you can see that I don’t have a bunch of hair.
When I was younger, I had beautiful curly dark hair. Women used to stop me on the street and say:
“It’s a crime you have all that beautiful hair.”
But at least I still have my eyebrows.
My friend Emily said a long time ago:
“There’s this new technology that’s going to be coming soon where you take your hair and you mail it to some lab, and then they clone the hair and then they send you back a box of hair.”
Or, they wouldn’t send it to you. They’d send it to a doctor, not to you. And then the doctor in your town puts this box of hair on your head that you’d have for the rest of your life.
And Emily told me that like 21 years ago or 20 years ago or something.
And I’ve been waiting for this box of hair for a very long time, I’ll have you know, so the answer to that second-meanest person I’ve heard from during the dating experience in the last six weeks is:
Yes! I would love to have hair. I would love to have a box of hair on my head! Like, I would pay a pretty penny. I would go work somewhere I don’t like to make the money to buy a box of hair! So if somebody could make a box of hair happen, I’m in, I’m in, I’m in!
So that’s the second-meanest thing that has happened in the dating world.
The third-meanest thing that happened was:
So earlier this week, this woman on Bumble was like:
“Hey I like you.”
And I was like:
“Oh, OK.”
And then we communicated back and forth, and it was really good.
We had a really good back and forth, texting for a while. And then I said:
“Hey, let’s talk on the phone.”
And then we talked on the phone for, I don’t know, like an hour or something. It was really good. I was like: Oh, this lady might work out, you know? Like, this is a more engaging conversation than I would have expected from just some random person in the world.
Anyway. So I was like:
“Yeah, let’s go on a date.”
So we made a date for Valentine’s night, and then she canceled, and she was like:
“I’m sick, I had to throw up at work, so I went home and I vomited and I have a migraine.”
And I was like:
“Oh, that’s terrible. But let’s do a different night. Let’s do Thursday.”
She said:
“Let’s go to this place that I like.”
I went, “OK, that sounds great.”
And then we communicated on Wednesday and everything was fine.
And then Wednesday night, she just started sending me these text messages that were like the text messages of an insane person, lots of expletives.
And then she was talking about all kinds of crazy stuff, you know? And I thought:
“Is she OK? Does she have a mental problem? Do I need to call the authorities to come help her out or whatever?”
Anyway, so then she just disappeared.
I thought:
“Well, maybe she’s just on mushrooms, or maybe she’s on any number of things. I have no idea what’s going on with her.”
So the next day, I sent her a message, and I said:
“Hey, what was all that about last night? Are you OK?”
Because I was concerned for her own safety. She sounded like she was having some mental problems, serious mental problems. And then she said:
“Oh, when I was sick at work with the migraine and the vomitings, one of my co-workers gave me a sleeping pill and said to take it with wine.”
Not a great idea in my book.
And so she goes:
“So I took a sleeping pill. And then I drank this wine, and I don’t remember last night, but my other friends told me that I called and I was saying like there was an alien invasion.”
And I was like:
“Oh my God, that’s crazy. But I’m very glad to find out that you don’t have a mental issue. You know, when it’s just a pill situation.”
And she was like:
“Yeah, it’s not a problem.”
Then I go:
“OK, great. All right. Well, hey, so I guess I’ll see you in a couple of hours at the restaurant.”
And she goes:
“Oh my God, is that today? Is today Thursday already? Like, holy shit. You know, oh my God, what am I going to do? You know what? This isn’t working out.”
Hahah, she said, “This isn’t working out,” because SHE took a sleeping pill with wine, and SHE was calling people saying there was gonna be an alien invasion, and I was concerned for her, that was too much for her.
“It was a sign” we shouldn’t date, she said.
Hahaha.
Now the thing is that when all this kind of stuff happens, I’m always like:
“Is this what really happened or is she in a relationship and she’s just playing around with people?”
So anyway, the number one question people have been asking me for the last so many weeks is: What is it like to date online or in the world, or whatever?
I don’t want to get into personal stuff. I don’t want to divulge too much about people I’m currently dating, or I’ve dated. I don’t want to break that privacy trust or whatever. I want to talk generally about this.
What I can tell you is, I’ve been surprised at how many people are online. And I’ve been surprised at how many are great.
And I’ve also been surprised by these super mean people that I mentioned earlier.
One woman told me she has dating apps on her phone for one reason and one reason only, and that’s because when she’s on the toilet, she uses the dating apps as a video game.
She’s just messaging people just to play with their minds.
I was like: Well, that’s messed up.
So every time I’m interacting with anybody on the dating apps, I am very cognizant of the fact that there are men and women who are just on the toilet and playing mind games with people.
But here’s my recommendation. You have to get that out of your head, because that’s not everybody!
There are a lot of people that actually want to use the dating apps, obviously.
Think about it this way. If you’re a comedian, you can’t form your entire personality around three hecklers in a crowd of fans.
And that’s how I feel. On my dating apps, I literally have had 500 people who matched with me and who reached out to me and want to go on a date and make out with me and have sex with me, and they’re sending me naked pictures, and they’re sending me their phone numbers, and they’re very, very aggressive. They’re very aggressive
And I love that.
I think that’s great.
But here’s the thing.
If I think about these people that I told you about earlier, the mean people, if I think about those hecklers, then I won’t live my life in the dating apps correctly, and I won’t be able to be myself, and I won’t be able to be fair to the people who are there for good reasons.
And that’s what it’s like on the dating apps.
I will say one other thing and that is:
It’s so validating to have hundreds of people want to have sex with you. It makes me want to be an esc0rt. So I’m thinking about that.
Anyway, I love you very much. I hope you’re having a fantastic day so far.