Will You Be My Valentine?

You know, the first bad Valentine’s Day I had was in the fifth grade when this girl walked across the classroom in homeroom and she handed me a card, and it said:
“Happy Valentine’s Day. Would you NOT be my Valentine’s?”
I had never even paid any attention to this girl at all. So I don’t know why she hated me.
Of course, women have told me over the years that the exact reason why she gave me this card is because I did not provide her with any attention.
And that was not my fault.
I didn’t know she liked me. I thought she was cute when she walked up. I thought:
“Who’s this cute girl walking up to hand me a card?”
And then she handed me this card, and then I felt bad and sad for quite a while.
And from then on, I always kind of felt like Valentine’s Day was a day to get really terrible little heart candies made from the worst sugar confections you could possibly imagine followed by some little child walking up and telling you that you suck.
And then, of course, I had some good Valentine’s where various people gave me Valentine’s, and some were surprises and some weren’t.
And then one time I got married, and right before the marriage, on Valentine’s, we went to Burger King.
And this was actually one of the great Valentine’s of my life, because Burger King had these tablecloths and candles. If you can believe this, Burger King decided that they wanted to have like a beautiful Valentine’s for poor college students like us. And that was a really good Valentine’s Day.
And then there was another Valentine’s Day where she gave me a double-hearted cake that she made from scratch. And then we had a lot of really crazy sex. It was fantastic.
And then I had other Valentine’s days where there was a lot of great sex and there were a lot of cards.
And then there were other Valentine’s with other people I loved when I made poems from scratch, and when I received homemade goods that came from the heart, and those were really good Valentine’s days.
And then I had a Valentine’s Day with an ex that I will not name who gave me a card and it said “Happy Valentine’s” and it wasn’t even signed, and it was not even anything.
And that was the year that I gave that person a giant poster board Valentine’s, and I went and bought magazines and cut out pictures of her favorite things, and I put all of these fun things all over that poster board card.
That was the year. I thought:
“Oh, this person doesn’t really like me that much.”
But whatever, what can you do?
There are good Valentine’s and then there are bad Valentine’s.
This Valentine’s has absolutely been one of the best Valentine’s days I’ve ever had. So that’s pretty great, and I’m not going to go into details but you can use your imagination. It’s been a good day.
So, I just wanted to tell you that, if you are feeling lonely this Valentine’s Day, at least you’re not with some dumb ugly loser.
And I’m not saying that anybody in my past is a dumb ugly loser. I am saying that there have been people that made me feel like a dumb ugly loser on Valentine’s Day, which is not great.
And there are other people who have made me feel like the most wonderful magical elf in the whole world, and those were great days, you know?
And so I cherish those days as well, just like this day I’m having today.
Anyway, if you are lonely, just reach out to me and tell me that you’re lonely, and I will comfort you somehow. I don’t know how.
But, you know, look, I am here for your pleasure. Think about that, think of me as your own personal sex worker/escort on Valentine’s Day and I will do my best.
Or think of me as your spiritual guru that you need for the day, or as your therapist, or your life coach, your best friend, or whatever it is.
Just, you know, just let me know and I will do the best that I can for you on this beloved Valentine’s Day.
I love you very much. I hope you will have the best day ever, always.
I’m here for you.
And I’m here if you need to talk.