Deep-fried Oreos at a Super Bowl party?

So I went to this party for the Super Bowl and I ran into people I know and it was great, you know, but I didn’t have a lot to share with them, because … I don’t know.
Rihanna was performing the halftime show. I don’t hate Rihanna or anything. But like, I can’t even tell you more than two or three of her songs, because I’m not a super fan or something.
I’ve never been like:
“Hey, you know what? I’m going to go over to my phone and I’m going to select some Rihanna and put it on in the background.”
If Rihanna comes on at a strip club, or if it comes on in someone’s car while we’re making out, I will definitely be there for Rihanna.
And you know what I love about Rihanna is that she smokes pot in public. I don’t know if she’s gonna be doing that now that she’s pregnant or not, I don’t know her deal. I don’t know her personality.
You know, I actually was in the presence of Rihanna once because the ABC show “The View” was doing a thing at Caesars Palace, many years ago.
And so I was a celebrity journalist, and the people at ABC, they were like:
“Hey, do you want to come interview the women of “The View?”
And I was like:
“Yeah.”
So I go to Caesars Palace very early in the morning, which was very hard to me at the time, because you know, I was going to clubs and strip clubs and stuff. So I was up late and then I had to wake up very early and drive over to Caesars Palace, and then I walk over to where they’re doing “The View” and it was very crazy, because a lot of the production was back in there, production assistants, and producers, and directors, and all these audio people, and then on top of that, people that were going to go on the show.
One of those people was Rihanna.
Rihanna wasn’t very popular yet, she just had, like, one or two songs, I think at that point, if I remember, right?
So what I’m getting at is, I’m backstage. I’m waiting to interview the women of “The View” (which was a whole other thing) so I’m standing there, and they go:
Here’s this person who’s going to be performing on “The View” today … and it’s Rihanna.
And she’s literally thisfaraway from me.
She was soclose to me.
And I thought:
“Oh, that’s that woman that sings that umbrella song.”
Because that was just about the only thing she was famous for, at the time. I think she might have had one other song. I’m not sure. She might have still been with Chris Brown, at that point.
So anyway, I was just standing there, and here’s the entirety of my Rihanna story.
She is standing here, and I’m standing here.
They forced us to stand sort of face-to-face.
She was waiting to go perform or maybe talk. I’m not sure.
And she was staring straight ahead in total focus.
If you’ve ever been backstage, you know when people are about to go on, you understand what I’m saying. She was just getting mentally ready to go on, and she was probably doing stuff in her head.
And I’m almost nose-to-nose with her.
I’m like trying not to look at her.
You know, I’m trying not to look at the umbrella lady, because I mean, she’s about to go on TV, so you don’t really want to mess that up for somebody.
I used to be a violinist, once upon a time. So I certainly didn’t want to mess up a stage performer.
And then they say:
“Hey, we need you to go.”
And then she walked off.
And that’s my whole Rihanna story.
Anyway, so this weekend, I’m at the Super Bowl party, and it was fantastic.
It was put on by this friend of mine named Jeff, and the guy puts on the best Super Bowl party every year.
And this year, he didn’t invite me. Normally, he invites me but I guess, post-quarantine, my invite got lost in the Messenger.
So anyway, I was like:
“Oh, I want to go to that party.”
So I messaged him and I said:
“Hey Jeff, far be it for me to invite myself to your Super Bowl party, but do you have a Super Bowl party this year?”
And he’s like:
“Yes I do.”
And I was like:
“Hey, would it be OK if I came by?”
And he was like:
“Yeah, obviously, just come on over” or whatever.
And I go:
“Great.”
And so I’m going to my car … and I’ve got a flat tire.
How often do you go to your garage and you open the garage door and you look down and you see a flat tire?
Fortunately, it was on the driver’s side, and I say fortunately the driver’s side, because if the tire had been on the passenger’s side, I may not have seen it. I might have just started driving away and then beeb like:
“What’s going on with my car?”
So I see that flat tire and I call AAA.
The AAA guy comes and he’s got his mask on, the whole thing, he’s doing the health protocols, and then he goes:
“Do you have the bar to get the tire from under your SUV?”
And I go:
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
He goes:
“It would normally be here.”
So, I opened up the trunk and then there’s no bar, and I’m like:
“All right. Well, there’s no bar here. So what am I supposed to do?”
And he goes:
“Well, I can’t get that tire out.”
And I’m like:
“What do you mean?”
He’s like:
“If you don’t have the bar, if you can’t provide me with the tool that comes with the car to get the spare out, I can’t get the spare out.”
And this confused me to no end, because isn’t AAA like the Santa Claus of car things? Doesn’t triple-A just show up and have every tool available known to humanity?
And I was a little miffed, I have to say. But I’m not about to go on a rant. Because what happened next is, he says:
“Well, OK. I can see that the reason why your tire is flat is because you have a screw or a nail in it or something.”
And he points it out.
I go:
“Oh, that’s good to know.”
He goes:
“All you need to do is get this fixed. So if you can get your car to someplace, then they can fix it.”
And I could get the car to a tire place, because I have this air compression thing, and I already had compressed the tire up with air.
And he goes:
“You just need to take it to this one place down the street, and then they’ll be able to repair your tire.”
And, man, that guy was right!
So I get the tire pumped up. It’s got the screw in it, but I got the tire pumped up, and all I have to do is get it 10 miles away.
So I’m driving and driving, and driving it to this tire repair place. And sure enough when I get it there, I pull up, and this place is amazing!
It’s in North Vegas, which has a reputation for … whatever, but I don’t have a problem with North Vegas, I love North Vegas.
So I get over to North Vegas. I pull up. There are two guys outside, just waiting for anybody to drive up and get their tires filled with air, or to fix a hole in your tire, or anything.
This place was the Santa of tires.
So I pull up and then I go:
“Hey, this tire has a screw in it.”
And the guy walks up and he goes:
“No problem.”
He jacks up the thing, takes the tire off, pulls the thing out, fixes the tire, and sticks it back on, in no time!
It was $18 bucks, $15 if I had paid in cash, but I didn’t have cash, because, you know, it’s the 21st Century.
So I paid my thing, and then I go to the Super Bowl party.
Now here’s the amazing thing about the Super Bowl party that Jeff throws.
He has all these people. He has this rocker guy that you would know, and some other people that you would know if you lived in Las Vegas.
And then in his kitchen, he flies people in who bring this deep fryer (or Jeff already owns it).
And they have Oreos and like Ding Dongs or whatever. They have all these snacks — these delicious, sugary snacks in packages that will last for eternity. You know, like a Ding Dong will last in a landfill for like, 120 years or something. This is just off the top of my head. I don’t remember, you’ll have to Google this fact.
But anyway, so in the kitchen there, they have a deep fryer and then a bunch of us whack jobs, sort of standing around, and then they dip an Oreo in pancake batter, and then they put it into this deep fryer, and then it fries for a couple seconds, and then you know, then they bring it out, and they put like chocolate syrup and like powdered sugar on top of this deep-fried Oreo.
And so then it’s a deep-fried Oreo covered in chocolate and powdered sugar!
And then you stick it in your mouth.
And then you die …
From the deliciousness of it.
I had two of these things.
It was so good.
And then in like 10 minutes, my stomach hurt, because …
I used to say that since I’m from New Orleans, I have a cast iron stomach, that you can put anything in it, because I grew up just eating all this spicy food in New Orleans.
And so I ate these two delicious deep-fried snacks, and guess what …
My stomach’s not a cast-iron stomach anymore, and it was like:
“Ouch, ouch, ouch. Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch.”
Which was not in sync with Rihanna on the TV.
And so, the Super Bowl party had the game on, which I didn’t care about.
So I ran into some people that I know and I was talking to them and they were great and everybody was great — everybody but me!
People were asking me like:
“What have you been up to?”
And I was all:
“I talk to a camera. I have a plant. I’m dating a lot. I’m going to bars. But I’m not watching the TV shows you’re watching. I’m not listening to the music you’re listening to. I’m not going to the movies that you go to. And that’s it.”
I was so boring! I was like … a dullard!
When I left, I thought:
“Yeah, I really am.”
So I’ve had a couple of New Year’s resolutions this year. To be sane, mentally healthy, and physically healthy, and blah, blah blah. Like, I want to be a healthy person and I am a healthy person, so it’s basically to maintain my health.
But now I have a new New Year’s resolution.
To not be boring anymore.
Pray for me not to be a dullard.
Thanks. I love you. I hope you’re having the best day of your life.