Naked Butts

So I went to ”Chippendales” for like the fifth time — at the Rio hotel in Las Vegas — and I had the same thought I always have there:

You know those men who are like, “Hey, where can I find a bunch of excited women who will smile at me a lot?”

Those men should go to “Chippendales,” because when you walk into “Chippendales,” it seems like 1 million smiling women (and some men) are having a good time, and all they’re doing is just screaming for naked men to take off their clothes.

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Then you have all these Chippendale dancers who frolic around in cop uniforms, and in cowboy hats, and in construction uniforms (with their big sledgehammers hanging out).

Apparently, the smiling women in attendance (their eyes feasting on bounties of beefcake) arrive at this Chippendales crossroads via three main arteries (according to the show’s host):

Women come for bachelorette parties.

Women come for birthday parties.

Women come to celebrate their divorces. 

The women aren’t there just to gaze at the man meat. They also see men doing things that they’re good at.

Chippendales dancers are good at aerial acrobatics, and they’re good at ripping their trousers off, and most of all they’re good at wielding the willpower to eat and exercise right. 

I mean, every time I see “Chippendales,” I think:

This is so motivating to me to continue to stay on my food plan and work out every day — which I’m gonna do the second I finish this column. I need to do yoga. I need to lift weights. and I need to get on the treadmill. I do this every single day. I eat a nice breakfast that doesn’t have any carbs or gluten. And yet I can’t get in as good a shape as these “Chippendales” men, which tells you how dedicated they are to their physical forms.

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I should point out that the crowd isn’t just a bunch of hetero women. This is an LGBTQ+-friendly show, from cast to crowd. 

The only bummer is that I have personally known men who would be really freaked out if they were at “Chippendales,” because they’re not secure in their bodies or their sexuality.

Over the years, I’ve heard male acquaintances say things like “women shouldn’t have sex toys” and “women shouldn’t necessarily have orgasms.”

This is nonsense, you know, and I don’t really understand this kind of man. I have no cure for them.

Speaking of prudes: They should stay away from “Chippendales,” probably.

Personally, one of many reasons I love Las Vegas is that it’s not a city for prudes.

If you’re a prude and you live in Vegas or if you come here? You’re in the wrong place and you need to go to someplace like Oklahoma — no offense to Oklahoma, I promise — but there’s a place for everyone, and if you are a prude, maybe do not come to Las Vegas and do not go to a “Chippendales” show.

We are pretty transparent about just how debaucherous and hedonistic we are in Las Vegas.

We have billboards that have naked butts on them.

We have nudie revues like “Chippendales,” and “Fantasy,” and “Zombie Burlesque.”

Honestly, these shows are not even close to the most risque things in town.

(Venmo me: https://venmo.com/code?user_id=2168393671114752145&created=1647361064.1795769&printed=1)

I mean, we have the Red Rooster swinger club, and the Green Door swinger club, and nude strip clubs, and massage joints, and trucks that drive up and down Las Vegas Boulevard while advertising naked-esque women “direct” to you, and locals enjoy SUV sex in parking garages. Vegas is a sex city.

Anyway, so what I’m saying is, if you ever want a fun, absurd show with a bunch of people screaming at naked people and that’s what you like in life is like enjoyment and excitement and loveliness of human interactions, then you could do much worse than the “Chippendales” show.

The March 2022 show I went to had this guy named Vinny in it. He used to be in a TV show I’m sure you’ve never heard of called “Jersey Shore” and now he’s temporarily in this “Chippendales” show, and he flashes his naked butt a lot.

Now I want you to imagine I’m holding an award and it’s called the Dougable Award (for all of the greatest things in Las Vegas). I would give one of these awards to “Chippendales.”

And if you think that I should go to some other show or some other place to give these kinds of awards, then let me know what that is.

I love you very much. I hope you’re having the best day of your life. In fact, I hope you’re making this the best day of your life.

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