‘Don’t know how to keep lovin’ you now that I know you so well’

I’m listening to this song where a woman says to her lover that she wonders how she can love them now that she knows them and I can relate to this sentiment about boredom and quarrels much more deeply than I feel comfortable admitting to myself because I have been in so many relationships with people I’ve loved and they turned out to be someone I didn’t think they would turn out to be and this bothered me so greatly at the time and it bothers me still now because some part of me wonders if my judgment was always bad or whether it’s just a part of life to get into someone and then to get out of someone or in other words there is this expression I coined years ago which friends sometimes repeat to me while laughing and that phrase is that whoever you’re crushing on currently will be someone you hate in five years and there is another thought I’ve had when I’ve developed a crush on someone which is that when I’ve felt nervous around them I’ve just taken a bunch of deep breaths and I looked at them and I thought to myself that someday I would hate them so if I just remembered that I would hate them someday then while I was talking to them I would feel less nervous and I don’t recommend this thought process because it made me cynical and skeptical and sometimes bitter and I don’t feel that way anymore because now when I talk to everyone I make sure I’m thinking that I love myself and them unconditionally and I don’t focus on the potential negative ending someday because it may not be bad and it may fizzle out or maybe it will be awful so I remind myself there are billions of people in the world and we are constantly possibly meeting any number of new people who could enter our lives out of nowhere and become the most important person in our lives and you know I’m right because that’s how our lives have gone so far which is that you’re just carrying on about your day and then you meet someone and for whatever reason there’s this magical connection for you to be friends or lovers or acquaintances or peers or coworkers and it turns out amazing and you didn’t see that coming because you don’t have ESP because none of us has ESP so the thing is that nothing is predictable ultimately because emotions are unpredictable and you might think to yourself that life is predictable like when you go on Twitter you become furious and I certainly feel that predictability myself and you might predict that when you go to a pet store and pet animals that you will feel better and you are probably correct because I have had that happen a million times and certainly I’m not saying that you can never predict a potential emotion based on biases and past experiences but I’m saying the long-term stuff like love and friendship and all of that is unpredictable in the way that you initially spark up a relationship with these special people and it’s also unpredictable how long your relationship will grow before it turns stale or stupid or become the best relationship of your life so anyway I’m listening to this song where a woman asks herself how she can love someone once she knows them and it’s such a profoundly disturbing truism within us all at some point or another when we are with someone and we want to love them so hard and we may like them even harder perhaps but after some amount of time playing this Jenga of a relationship we realize it has too many holes in it and we wonder how this Jenga of love can possibly survive the appearance of one more hole and there’s yet another thing to ponder about which the singer of this song identifies when she wonders if continuing a relationship is a venture into the darkness or is it the light

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