Ten days ago, I went to the dermatologist because it was time to get my regular check-up. I live in the desert and you know when you live in the desert in Las Vegas, you’re always on the lookout for changes in your skin.

So she looks at my head and she goes, everything looks great, is there anything you’ve seen on your body that has changed?

And I go, as a matter of fact I have this mole on the bottom of my foot, and she goes: What?! Let me see.

So I didn’t think anything of it, you know, I thought moles come and go all the time. So I pull up my foot and the dermatologist is looking at this foot and she goes, we’re going to do a biopsy on this. And I go, what!? I go, why don’t you just freeze it off? She goes, no we can’t just take that mole out because if it’s cancer then we’re gonna have to scoop a bigger …

My crazy ass alarmism mind is going like, she’s going to take a huge chunk out of my foot, this is terrible.

So the nurse comes in and the nurse has this fucking needle, and she takes this syringe that has the numbing agent in it and she brings it up to my foot and then she starts to stick it into my foot, and I said, owww.

And I pulled my foot away and then she goes, can you please try not to do that because you could injure both of us, which I knew but it was so painful. It was not as painful as when I got my nipples pierced but it was in the realm.

She said, look we need to get this into your foot. And I go, I know, I know … can I do it? If you give me the syringe I’ll do it, like, I’ll feel like I have control over the situation. She goes, no no no I have to do it because this is a professional office.

So I grab my foot and I’m holding it like I’ve kidnapped it. And then she comes in with that needle … and it’s just so fucking painful. It was so painful. I can’t imagine giving birth. All of you out there who have given birth and broken bones and shit, phew, I don’t even know how you do it.

So the nurse finishes numbing my foot and then she leaves, and then the dermatologist comes in and she takes a little chunk out of my foot, but I don’t feel it because my foot is numb. And then I go, hey can I run later on the treadmill? And she goes, how much later? And I said, four hours. And she’s like, ummm.

So she says, we’re gonna send off this little chunk of your foot somewhere and then we’re gonna have some people look at it to see if you have cancer or something. And I’m like, this sounds more serious than I thought.

So then I come home and then I wait and then I try to do a little jog and it was a little painful but I put on some flat shoes and I was able to do this little jog for two miles, and I thought, I seem to have withstood this biopsy, all clear.

So the next day I get up and I’m like, oh my foot hurts a little bit but I need to get on the treadmill because I am a workout-aholic. So I go to the gym in my house and I get on my treadmill and I’m like, hey I can handle this, I’m a big boy. And I do this two-mile jog, and then I get off the treadmill.

And then a couple of hours pass and my foot feels like it has the Grand Canyon in it and the Grand Canyon is made out of nerve endings that people are jumping up and down on with little spikes and jamming little devil forks into every single little nerve ending.

So they’re jamming my nerve endings, I’ve got my foot raised, I put an ice pack on it, I did all the things you’re supposed to do for this kind of painful situation.

And then a day passed and I could barely leave my bed, and then a second day passed and I could barely leave my bed.

Meanwhile, I’m making videos for this channel and then posting them and distributing them and the whole thing, you know, and I love that, I was loving my work but I was wanting to get out of the house and go to this new hotel in town and do some video on that. But I’ve been stuck in bed because I have this nerve ending ouchiepalooza right in the center of my left foot. 

So day two comes, and then day three, and then day four, and it’s like, am I ever gonna be able to walk on this foot again? I was like, fuck I need to figure out how long this is going to last, so I did what every American does, I googled, what is the scariest thing that can happen from a foot biopsy?

So I end up on the Mayo clinic page or one of these pages, some real health agency, and they’re like, this can last for weeks. Fuck.

So the last 10 days, I’ve been hobbling around like that little guy who wants the ring in the Lord of the Rings, you know the guy with no fur and no hair or whatever that guy’s name is.

I mean, I love life and I love being alive so one of the reasons I go to the dermatologist on a regular basis, as suggested, is just to make sure I can live forever. But every now and then, I was like, I wonder if this is going to turn out to be cancer, that would be terrible, and I wouldn’t even know how to begin to deal with that, I’ve certainly known people with cancer, and I know that it’s a lot to go through, and you’re a real warrior when you go through it, like, cancer is the worst fucking thing, and the people who go through it are the most incredible people. It’s just like … shit.

So the dermatologist said one of two things was going to happen, you’re going to get a call from a nurse who tells you you don’t have cancer, or you’re going to get a call from me the doctor, who tells you you do have cancer.

So just a few minutes ago, just before I started filming this video, the phone rang. And I looked at it, and then I listened.

Was it the nurse or the doctor?

And what I hear …

Is the nurse, and there’s nothing going on with this mole.

And you know I didn’t even think about how much this was going to impact me when I got the call.

I just kept putting it out of my head and putting it out of my head, thinking, this is not going to be anything, this is not gonna be anything, and I know I was just reassuring myself of some horrible doubts, and it turned out that …

It was OK.

So in the end, the story I’m telling you is just a simple story of someone who went to the doctor and had a biopsy and the biopsy turned out to be fine.

But when you take that story. And you feel every minute of 10 days, it builds up, and then it gets to you, because you think about your mortality, and you think about all the people you’ve lost to cancer, and you think about the people you didn’t lose to cancer, and you think about when is cancer ever going to be fucking cured, and will it be cured in my lifetime? Will I get to see it cured?

I know this is a cliched thing to say but I really do feel grateful every day.

When I was in my 20s, I wasn’t super grateful about being alive, I mean I just sort of took it for granted. I was very happy to be alive and it wasn’t like I was throwing my life away, I had a really good time my 20s, I had the whole thing, love and marriage and work and friends and skiing, I really lived it up.

And then as life went on, every day you wake up you’re like, I’m so fucking grateful that I can get up out of bed!

Even when I was hobbling around the house these past 10 days, I have this same motto going through my head which is, it’s better than nothing, it’s better than being in the dirt, this is better than nothing.

I’d rather feel the pain from the bottom of my foot and I would rather be waiting for a phone call from a nurse or a doctor for 10 days with all of that suspense. I’m just so fucking grateful to be in this fucking world as fucked up as it is.

I always have this motto in my head which is, it’s better than nothing. And I know that sounds bleak to some extent but it’s not to me, to me it’s very hopeful, it’s like I know I can crawl out of this, I know I can pull myself out of this fucking hole, I will move forward.

And I’m not saying anybody else has to be that way. I’m telling you my story and my story today is that I woke up, it’s been 10 days, I thought I might get this call today, I tried not to think about it, I get the call, and here we are.

And either way, it’s a beautiful day.

So I wanna tell you thank you very much, I love you with all of my heart, and I hope you’re making the best day of your life. 


I could’ve been a sex worker:

#dermatology #biopsy #vlog

(the game dork llc + copyright + trademark = original content)


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