Hey everybody, you know back during quarantine, 1 million years ago, we were all doing stuff with our lives online that we don’t want anybody to know about. Well, one of the things I did online, I want everybody to know about, and it has nothing to do with porn. It has to do with this degree that I earned. It cost me $30, I took a long five-click course to get this doctorate, and when it arrived in the mail I thought, my mom was so stupid going to college all those years to get a doctorate.
It is official, I am a doctor of divinity, and my name is Dr. Love Doug. I am going to do my first Dear Dr. Love Doug questions. That’s right, I am also an advice columnist named Dr. Love Doug. Let’s look at the first questions that have come in.
Dear Dr. Love Doug, my husband masturbates to porn by himself in his man cave. I masturbate in the bathtub like a civilized lady. We’ve been married nine years. Is the sex over?
Well let me tell you what. What you want to do is start masturbating together, you want to get in the same room. If you prefer the tub, then invite your lover into the bathroom to watch you masturbate and maybe they can even masturbate while you’re masturbating. And then that way, it’s a bonding.
Then when he’s masturbating in the man cave, maybe you could hire somebody to clean it up, no that’s a bad idea. Why don’t you clean it up or … no that puts all the power in his hands. Go buy a whip and go to him and, !whip!, and then go: You need to go clean up that man cave so I can watch you masturbate in here.
Man, if you tell your lover you want to watch them masturbate, they will enjoy that so much, and if they don’t then they are hiding something. So the thing is, y’all want to watch each other orgasm every day. That is the key to a good relationship. If that’s during sex, butt sex, oral, if it’s mutual masturbation, you guys are a couple, you need to orgasm together frequently, and that will create a bond.
In fact, in science, there’s this thing called oxytocin. And oxytocin is not OxyContin. Oxytocin is a chemical inside men’s and women’s brains and when you have an orgasm, that oxytocin transfers between you. There have been studies that have shown when women masturbate to their computers and then have orgasms in front of their computers, they exchange oxytocin with their laptops and they fall in love with their laptops. And the same thing’s going on with dudes.
There’s a reason you got together in the first place and that’s so you could share orgasms. If your relationship isn’t about romance or sentimentality or any of that stuff, you’re in a relationship with a friend, man. The key to a happy romantic relationship is orgasming in front of each other, I would say once a day, but that’s probably too much for some people. Some people just want to have like an orgasm every one to four days or every other day. Some people want four to six orgasms a day. Whatever the number is, you need to orgasm in front of each other and share that oxytocin so you can stay in love, man. Like in romantic love!
Second question for Dr. Love Doug.
Dear Dr. Love Doug, my partner puts the toilet paper on the wrong way, should I get rid of them and not be in a relationship with them anymore?
Let me tell you what, I have thought about this for years because every relationship Dr. Love Doug has been in has had a little bit of a toilet paper component in it because sometimes Dr. Love Doug’s partners want to put the toilet paper on so it cascades under, I put it over, and there is no right and wrong in this scenario.
The best way to get around this toilet paper issue is go get yourself a second roller, put it up next to the other roller, that way you’ve got one toilet paper coming over, one toilet paper going down in the back, that way one is right for each of you and one is wrong for each of you, and then you can be happy together in your toilet paper life and have perspective on love is more important than toilet paper.
Question number three for Dr. Love Doug.
Dear Dr. Love Doug, is it OK for me to cut my toenails in front of my partner in the living room?
Hey, hey, hey, no! Do not do that, it is gross. You want to cut your toenails and your fingernails in a restroom, a bathroom, a water closet, whatever it is that people call your bathroom over the centuries, that’s where you need to cut your nails, preferably you don’t let them get on the floor or on the counter or anything like that. Then if they do, clean it up, throw it away, try to be considerate, would you want toenails flying in your face? No.
That is all for today with Dr. Love Doug. If you have any questions for Dr. Love Doug, put them in the comment section. Plus I don’t mean for this sexy nun costume to be insulting to people of religions. I promise. I just like it, I think I look good in it. And I thought about all the different costumes I wanted to wear and honor, and I think this is the best outfit in all of religion, is sexy nun. If you are upset with this sexy nun representation, please tell me, I love my friends very much and above all I don’t want to hurt any of my friends’ feelings, I promise. Oh you know when this came in the mail, I thought, oh I’m not gonna look good in that, but then I put it on, man, I like it, I might just walk around the house in this, you might see me in the grocery store with this.
I love you, I hope you’re making the best day of your life.