Normally if somebody gives you a book that’s called I Need A New Butt, you would be like, is this a put-down, do I need to go get myself some butt implants? But I know better, this was a gift from one of my best friends, Kitty. She looked at my Amazon wish list where I have a bunch of costumes to wear but she had a better idea that day, so she sent me this book, and we’re going to look through it.
(What’s wrong with my butt? Wait, let me check my butt, nope, that’s a pretty good butt, I don’t think I need a new butt. By the way if you haven’t realized I am your most ridiculous friend at this point then welcome aboard.)
So let’s take a stroll inside my new butt. I’ve got to tell you that I don’t have kids, in addition to that, I got a vasectomy years ago, it was a Christmas gift I gave myself. For years before this, I couldn’t get any doctors to give me a vasectomy because they were like, what do you mean you don’t want kids, the only guys who come to these offices are guys who are forced to come here by their wives, pretty much, after they had a bunch of kids.
I didn’t have any kids, I just wanted a vasectomy, because I didn’t want any kids. I don’t hate kids. I would pay twice as many taxes to help children in America in the education system and everything.
So finally when I got in my 30s, this vasectomy doctor was like, OK I’ll give you a vasectomy but first you’re gonna have to watch this video, it was a video about what was gonna happen, the video was also a promotional video so it was like, this laser procedure will have no stitches and it has been used on 1 million Chinese men already. (I swear that’s what the video said, I’m not saying this to be scandalous about China or the people or anything like that.)
So I watch this video and then he was like, do you still want to get a vasectomy, and I was like, dude since I was nine years old I have wanted a vasectomy, I don’t want kids.
Everybody’s like, how come you don’t want kids? Man, I’ll give you the top five reasons.
Number one, I don’t wanna bring another kid in the world who has to go through what I went through as a child.
Number two, I don’t think I could deal with anything that goes wrong with a kid healthwise.
Number three, I don’t think I could deal with a kid if they turned out to be violent or criminal.
Number four, all the guys on my dad’s side of the family abandoned kids and that’s fucked up so I’m like I don’t wanna end up like that.
Number five, I’m just fucking selfish, I’m selfish, I want to sleep in, I want to spend money on me.
People are like, who’s gonna take care of you when you’re old, like somebody was tweeting at me recently like, hey do you know when you have a kid they take care of you when you’re older, but it’s gonna cost like hundreds of thousands of dollars if not millions of dollars to raise them. And I’m like, for that kind of money I can transactionalize people to take care of me, and plus like look at all the kids who get raised by good parents and bad parents and they don’t take care of their parents eventually.
Anywho, so I got this book in the mail, I Need A New Butt, it has like 1 million different reviews on Amazon so I’m assuming it’s popular. So in this book, this kid, he’s looking in the mirror and he’s like, my butt has a crack in it, I have turned this-many-years-old without knowing that my butt has a crack in it although I have rosy cheeks. And he says I need a new butt, mine’s got a crack, I can see in the mirror a crack in the back. Then he wonders if he cracked his butt on the slide, then he’s trying to figure out if he can blame the banister.
This book is about blaming your problems on other things. He’s got a butt which is perfectly fine, everybody’s got a butt, and he thinks he’s a victim of butt circumstances.
Man, who is this kid’s parents?
Then he wonders if he got it when he was on this bike, this BMX bike. Then it gets gross, see this little fart, he goes, I wonder if the fart caused my butt to crack in half. You know what, at this exact moment I wish I was a teacher of literature, I would dissect this whole book for an hour.
Look how gross this is, this is a fart, this is how you can tell this is a kid’s book, because adults don’t want to see a big ugly green smelly fart.
Then it gets even weirder because he goes to the butt store. I don’t know if you know this, but there is a butt store and there is a butt on special, but guess what, there’s no fucking price tag, where is the fucking price tag? Don’t you hate it when you go to the store and there are no fucking price tags on butts and stuff? It’s annoying.
Then he decides he might want an artsy fartsy butt with watercolors on the top and a mural at the bottom, I’m not sure, that looks like one big muraly watercolor thing to me. It is nice though.
Then he’s wondering if he should get a yellow spotted purple polka dotted butt, because that’s what everybody wants. Then he thinks about a butt that has a bunch of swirls on it. When I was a kid and I had to go to gym class, I had to get dressed in front of everybody, if I had to take my pants down when I was in school and I was in PE in the locker room and I knew that my butt was going to have swirls all over it, that would not do, I was very self-conscious, I couldn’t pull off a swirly butt.
The butt is as bright as he dares, and that’s his dad’s underwear, because why not draw your dad’s underwear in a book. This is a pretty well-drawn page right here, this is him in space. Then he dreams of being a knight, and having nice armor on his butt. Now when I was a kid, I would have understood this, not to protect my butt so much, but just because I wanted to be a knight when I was a kid.
There were five things I wanted to be when I was a kid. I wanted to be an orchestral violinist which I was already a violinist and becoming a scholarship violinist.
And then I wanted to be president of United States like an idiot.
And then I wanted to be a standup comedian which I kind of am now on this channel.
And then I wanted to be a writer.
And I wanted to be a porn star, and I could’ve been a porn star when I was 17, but I decided against it. By the way this is not for kids.
What about a bumper butt made of chrome? That’s a pretty cute picture, that’s my favorite picture in this book, I like that picture, I don’t want a bumper butt made of chrome.
I don’t know why the Statue of Liberty is in here, I have lost the plot, and I don’t know what that’s about.
And then he says, with a bumper butt I won’t be scared because bumper butts can be repaired. This is a mechanic’s shop much like a car’s mechanic, look this guy is selling used butt bumpers, and he’s cleverly named them bum-pers.
A rocket butt of fire and thrust, a robot butt—now that butt’s a must.
And then that’s when we get to the harshest part of the book. This boy has decided he’s going to sell his dog for five dollars. “Dog for sale, I need a new butt.” This kid is so terrible he’s going to sell his dog for five dollars because he doesn’t know his butt crack is normal. I feel like he’s old enough to know a butt crack is normal. He looks so sad about his butt crack or maybe it’s the dog, he’s either sad about the butt crack or he might be sad that he’s selling his dog for five dollars, but he looks very sad, and he should be sad, because what a crappy thing to do, this kid is not a good role model.
But then again this is his dad and if his dad is his role model… Anyway so he says, dad your butt crack is showing, and then BLOMP his butt falls off, that’s my favorite part of the whole book, and it’s the end, oh I gave away the ending.
So I need a new butt is a fun book, I recommend it to parents because it’s popular, I have no idea if it’s any good for kids, none whatsoever.
But I also recommend highly getting a vasectomy. Please go get spayed and neutered, there are enough unwanted children in the world, if you want kids great, but if you don’t want kids, take control the situation.
Thanks for checking in again, I love you, I hope you’re having the best day of your life.