You know what, a lot of people have asked me what kind of food reviewer I would be and the answer is I would be a desserts reviewer.

What I know is not what goes in food, I know what food goes in me.

And the first place I’m going to is called Patisserie Manon. This is where I go to get chocolate almond croissants. Chocolate almond croissants have chocolate in them and almond and they’re croissants. They were turned on to me by a lover who I will not get into. Patisserie Manon has many macrons. They’re either called macaroons or McCarrons. I just call them Macrons like the French president. Imagine if the US president’s name was chocolate chip cookie. That’s what it’s like in France since his name is macaron.

These are the banana coconut pies and the lemon meringue pies, also known as the kinds of pies that get in your face when you try to walk down the stairs on Sesame Street.

I was also told the tiramisu is delicious. I am not into tiramisu, that’s not my favorite thing, but I would not turn it down, so if you have any tiramisu to bring me, I will take it.

Now I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking we’re not supposed to be eating all this sugar because it’s bad for you but I went to two doctors today and I got a full clean bill of health from both of them, I have no diseases and I’m gonna live forever. The only thing I have is high triglycerides.

I work out and you know what? Sugar helps my workout. If you ask any of my friends who are physical trainers and have a masters degree in P.E., they will tell you that I am not a good role model for telling you to eat sugar. I’m not telling you to eat sugar, I’m telling me to eat sugar, I love sugar.

Here are the danishes, I was once engaged to a Danish woman.

Look at all these eclairs, I was once engaged to a woman named Claire.

If you want a muffin top, eat a lot of muffins.

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you they have a five dollar deal, you give them five dollars and they give you this giant bag of bread that you can eat for a week. I used to do that back when I ate bread but look at this body, does this body eat bread? No. This body does not eat bread, this body eats sugar.

You know, bread turns into sugar in your belly, I say go straight to the source, sugar.

Patisserie Manon also has this little cafeteria spot where I have had sandwiches before and they were good.

Oh and one other thing, look how friendly this place is, that nice woman, pretty woman over here waved at me. I don’t mean to justify you but you are attractive.

And now we come to the part where I am going to eat a chocolate almond croissant over a plate with a doily because I am fancy. This is called Mukbang.

You know, a friend of mine once told me she was so into Sean Connery that she would watch a video of him just chewing, and a lot of people tell me that I remind them of Sean Connery, so this is what Sean Connery looks like when he’s chewing.

Thanks everybody, I love you unconditionally just like I love myself unconditionally, I hope you’re having the best day of your life.

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