This extortion text I received three days ago didn’t work out for the perpetrators, because I’ve been playing with myself all week without consequences. In fact, it’s been a good week for self-love. I’d give it a 10 out of 10. Masturbation is dougable.
Let’s count all the tip-offs that this is a poorly designed scam.
- The text arrived from a phone number bearing the same area code and first three numbers of my own phone number. Experts say people are more likely to check texts and answer calls if the incoming number is similar to their own. This is bizarre. When I see a number similar to my number calling me, I instinctively know it’s garbage, because, duh.
- The text’s sentences are broken apart on different lines. That means it’s a bad copy-paste job. Much like “Force Awakens.”
- The threat is so vague. They say they’re going to make my life a living hell. By doing what? If you share video you illegally obtain of someone, you’re going to jail (if you’re in America), and sites will take it down. Releasing video of me pleasuring myself would help identify the scammers. Besides, if I don’t pay up, and then they release the video, then they don’t have a bargaining chip with me anymore. Negotiations: over.
- Get $1,000 in Bitcoin? Nobody knows how to get bitcoin, dude. Come on. Be real. Ask for Euro, at least.
- Even if I wanted to paste that address, the odds that I’ll be able to carefully select the whole thing on my iPhone is nil. If you extort someone with a URL, then go use a URL shortener, so that it’s not so cumbersome. This is my suggestion for the extortionists’ customer relations line.
- The worst case scenario is you’re going to release video of me playing with myself. Dude … I am thisclose to becoming a model on Pornhub and OnlyFans. At this point, I’d probably pay you for the video so I can upload it. Times are tough all over. And masturbation money spends just like other money.
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dougable 
Great post 😁