Gonna start clanking a metal water cup against my jail bars during international house arrest

I think we are all painfully aware now that we are stuck in the mortifying hellscape known as international house arrest due to the covid-19 flu virus monster bug which is killing ever so many people from China to Italy to America and probably eventually on the moon and Mars just as soon as Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos rocketship wealthy CEOs to our cold and distant cousin orbs out in the radiated space dust of existence and non-existence whence we hath been born and to which we shall return for our perish.

Hello, let me introduce myself to you if you are unaware: I am an OVERWRITER.

It takes a lot to be an overwriter.

It takes time, foremost.

It also takes, well, not much effort. It just takes lots of run-on sentences strung together by words such as “that” and “which” in order to avoid using commas and, existence-forbid, semicolons, which are the worst punctuations, I think we can all agree.

I am obviously avoiding the subject of our international house arrest, because holy frijole is it BORRRRRINGG but at least we aren’t dying, because that’s happening to people.

Personally, I’ve been working from home as an overwriter for something like 15 years, so puttering around the house pantsless in a sarong made from a light blue scarf is right up “my alley,” so to speak.

Speaking of putting things up our alleys, how many of you have been touching yourselves nonstop?

Not me. Oh nooo. I’m an angel. Uh huh. Nope, I totally haven’t been masturbating 11 times a day. Nnnnope.

Speaking of “Angel,” I’ve been rewatching “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” like a pro. It’s been something like 17 years or whatever since I’ve seen “Buffy,” my favorite show of all time. I’m glad I’ve saved re-marathoning it for this awesome moment in Earth and human history, for Buffy was given unto us to entertain our simpleton noggins during this, our greatest test of willpower not to leave the fucking house for five fucking minutes to go get some goddamned olive oil.

I recognize this overwriting I’m doing at the moment seems a tad cynical or skeptical or at the very least a touch pessimistic or Debbie Downer, but to tell the truth, I’ve been in high spirits, if you’re catching my drift, I’ve been in “high” spirits, if you still haven’t caught my drift, which is, what I’m saying is, I’ve been very “high” in my spirits.

I highly recommend it.

Anywhooo, I hope you’re enjoying my pleasant little videos I have conjured up for your pleasure. Consider this too as me pleasuring you from afar.

I imagine you’d like to get pleasured right about now by someone other than yourself and your constant touching of yourself. But sometimes, you have to take matters into your own hands.

If you’re lucky, you live in a nudist household where you may run about wistfully with your delicious engorged bits flouncing about like a slow-motion heaving heavenly montage of delectable delights getting fluffed and puffed and huffed and truffed and yuffed and galluffed.

Because as you now see we all go around this life but once and you might as well enjoy yourself as much as you possibly can because look outside through the window which keeps you locked inside your home or apartment, as many thousands of fellow human beings die terrible gruesome horrible deaths which make us all quite sad when we think about them, obviously, because really, this is the Masque of the Red Death or The Stand or one of those fucking motherfucking goddamn stupid fucking goddamn apocalyptic tales which we all loved until this covid thing visited our international nightmares of horrid proportions.

Do you see it yet? The overwriting? If you haven’t yet, then, um … I don’t know what to tell you.

And so ends today’s printed broadcast.

I love you.

Watch my videos on YouTube under the moniker Yes Doug. And:

Please love yourself and your loved ones.

Touch yourself nonstop inside your home. Do not touch your mouth and nose and eyes and ears, since that could give you the virus if you’ve been out and about, and if you haven’t washed your hands, but if you’re all cleaned up and alone then please, go at yourself with fervor and frequently because fuck what the fuck else are you going to do with this boring time.

Amen.

Love Doug.

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